Humans are social creatures. We thrive when we have a variety of social bonds. However, loneliness is at epidemic levels in our culture. This is largely because people don't realize they have the power to create the environment for friendship to grow. Making friends can be quite difficut to do if you don't know how because its counter intuitive. Here is a simple 5 step process to help you set the stage for lasting friendship.
But first, a disclaimer: If you wanted to ride a rollercoaster you wouldn't be surprised that you need to schedule a day to go… travel to the theme park… Pay admission… wait in line… in order to enjoy the ride. Similarly the Friendship Recipe will require an investment of resources… And a measure of faith that the magic will happen. Assuming you're okay with that, let's begin.
The five elements are
Repeating
Casual
Voluntary
Group
Activities
That's it. In order to understand this recipe better, lets examine each ingredient.
Repeating: predictability is an important element of creating trust between strangers. By scheduling and protecting two hours each week or each month to do frisbee golf or Scrabble you signal to people “I care about this activity… you are free to join us.” it takes an immense amount of courage and vulnerability to show up at a group event and implicitly communicate “I care about this activity too…”
Casual: The stakes are already high enough what with loneliness causing misery across our population. So any way you can keep the fun high but keep the stakes of the activity low is beneficial. If you decide to create a drop in Dungeons and Dragons campaign, keep it light and be generous with “inspiration” bonuses that increase the odds players will succeed. Build in flexibility so that youractivity is as adaptible as possible, yet keep enough structure for the activity to make sense. At the very least clearly define the stakes, conduct norms etc. If your activity requires people to put on their big person pants then make that clear. If you want to transition into a higher stakes Dungeons and Dragons campaign, for example, then communicate that to your party.
Voluntary: The reason work is not always the ideal place to form friendships is because most of us have to be there. Its not as voluntary as weekend darts clubs. Part of the proper functioning of a Friendship Recipe system is optional attendance. If you don't like the vibe… no problem. Just don't go. We sampled several meetup groups before settling on our regular LARP group.
Group: Making any kind of group is an experiment and must be treated as iterative learning. Groups such as these are rapid prototypes that may or may not work and they change all the time. It's very common for groups to form for a while then fade. Long lasting groups often have two or three people who are the anchors and will keep the group alive no matter what. The group identity for a Friendship Recipe is more flexible than a workplace or a religious group identity.
Activity: typically there will be a single activity as the focus. Often there needs to be a set location that fosters this activity with space for participants and ideally a washroom. An activity helps to pre-select like minded people. A rock climbing club has different values than a chess club. The activity must be able to include novices and experts if you want it to be as inclusive as possible. It helps if the activity rewards obsession and deep practice. The reason an activity is so important for fostering friendship is because few people are comfortable boldly sharing their desire for connection face to face but many people can direct their attention towards the same goal and thus feel aligned with other group members. In many areas of life we cant approach the goal, such as feeling connection, or feeling happiness, head on as often our efforts to form bonds or create the sensation of happiness backfire. Our ultimate goal is forming lasting friendships with others…. But we do it one corn hole throw at a time.
These elements are the keys to creating a successful environment for friendship to form. Websites like Facebook, Meetup and Discord foster these sorts of groups and can help with discoverability.
Vision is seeing something positive in the future that doesn't exist yet. Leadership is taking action to create that vision before you have proof it will work. Creating a repeating casual voluntary group activity is your best way to create the friendship filled future you deserve.